Letter to my trainer

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You already know what I’m going to say; I didn’t do my workouts this week so I have nothing to report in terms of weight loss.

For me this program is more than just a tool for weight loss. For me it’s a tool to get healthy. Weight loss will come eventually, or it may not come at all. I have to be conscious of that as well, because I take medication that makes it very difficult to lose weight even while working out regularly. For me this is a day-to-day test of what I can do, not do, what my body can handle and what it can’t, but also what my mind can and cannot handle.

Admitting that this is not just a hormonal issue related to my ovaries, but also a mental health issue is both embarrassing and stigmatizing, but that’s the reality. When I say I don’t have the energy to work out, it’s both physical and mental. My body doesn’t have the energy and my mind doesn’t care to have it, or get it for that matter. Mind over matter doesn’t apply here.

Saturday was a horrible day. I woke up crying, for no reason. I cried all day for no reason. I went to bed crying, for no reason, and basically, that’s how it goes. Some days are ok, some are good and some are hell. Saturday was one of those hell ones.

Normally all of this would go away the first day of my period. Not this time. Day 3 and my moods were still off, I’m still exhausted and I’m still having issues concentrating and focusing on work.

I yelled at my son last night. I was very mean to him and I made him cry. Some of it he deserved but some he didn’t. He yelled at me to stop. He’s very sensitive and I forget myself, or rather I can’t control myself and I say things I shouldn’t. It’s gotten better but I still need work in that department. I left the dinner table without eating and went up to my room. I had to remove myself so I wouldn’t continue talking to him the way I was, because I knew I would. I later apologized and he very sweetly (he has a huge heart) said in.a very low voice, “it’s ok.”  But I know the damage this is causing.

I’m hoping the things I’m doing to make this all better will start working soon. I’m looking to this program to help me get healthy, get moving, be more social and step out of my comfort zone in that department, learn better eating and exercise habits, get in good cardiovascular shape, and hopefully shed some pounds.

This is in no way just a weight loss program for me. When I miss days the guilt is real. But I also know that I have to accept that missing days will be a monthly occurrence that I can’t help. It’s hard for people who don’t go through this to understand. I may sound weak or lazy; a slacker if you will. I assure you that I’m not. But I need you to understand that this is a debilitating disorder that disrupts daily life. I’m not going to let it beat me. But I’m also not going to beat myself up for missing a few days. I can’t do that to myself.

I’m proud of how much I’ve done so far in the group and I’m even proud of the things I haven’t done yet. Because I fight very hard to find the energy to make this happen and I know that slowly but surely, I will make it happen.

Have you ever had to write a letter like this? One in which you have to explain your “lack of effort” due to a health condition or an event that may have taken place in your life?  If so, please leave a comment.  I would love to read all about it.


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14 thoughts on “Letter to my trainer

  1. Sometimes we all have a days when workouts just doesn’t exist. I am sure you will find more motivations next week.

  2. Girl, you got this! Remember, it’s the journey, not the destination! Well, maybe the destination is freaking great but still! 😜

  3. I love that you put this out there! Keep writing, it is soothing for the soul! I hope you do it as a release, because you don’t need to do it to explain anything to ANYONE! Not one of us is perfect and we certainly all have things to work on 😉

  4. I’m proud of you, it’s not how much we don’t do or how much we don’t want to do at the moment, we all have that moment, you are not alone. What matters the mostbis the tbings you have done and achieve, you’re right in not beating yourself up for that, just keep going and continue in creating your life the way you wat it to be and not the other way around. Keep strong.

      1. You’re welcome Yesenia ☺️ I am happy to support always, know that there are people like me whom you can get a support you needed. I’m here if you need me ☺️

  5. I can so relate to the things you’ve said here. My body doesn’t work the way I want it to on some days either, and often times, my mind follows what my body tells it to do. People without debilitating disorders have no idea what to do with those of us that do (I have lupus). Just because we LOOK fine doesn’t mean we ARE fine. Learning to listen to my body, really listen to it, is something I still have to work on because I’m really good at making excuses as to why I can’t work out–mainly because I hate it–LOL–but there are days my body insists I rest, so I do, because I know if I don’t, I’ll end up in bed twice as long. Forgive yourself for being human. You have a lovely heart and you’re working on yourself to the best of your ability in this time and space. For that, I humbly admire you.

    1. Thank you so much for reading. I’m glad we can relate to one another even if it’s in debilitating disorders because we often feel very alone. I know a little about Lupus because I have a friend that suffers from it. When she has flares she can’t even open a bottle of water. I also had a friend with Lupus who passed away at the end of 2015 from complications after delivering her child. Her Lupus was very severe and had her in the hospital on many occasions. Thank you for all of the wonderful things you’ve said and thank you for your support. It is greatly appreciated because until recently I felt very alone.

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