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You already know what I’m going to say; I didn’t do my workouts this week so I have nothing to report in terms of weight loss.
For me this program is more than just a tool for weight loss. For me it’s a tool to get healthy. Weight loss will come eventually, or it may not come at all. I have to be conscious of that as well, because I take medication that makes it very difficult to lose weight even while working out regularly. For me this is a day-to-day test of what I can do, not do, what my body can handle and what it can’t, but also what my mind can and cannot handle.
Admitting that this is not just a hormonal issue related to my ovaries, but also a mental health issue is both embarrassing and stigmatizing, but that’s the reality. When I say I don’t have the energy to work out, it’s both physical and mental. My body doesn’t have the energy and my mind doesn’t care to have it, or get it for that matter. Mind over matter doesn’t apply here.
Saturday was a horrible day. I woke up crying, for no reason. I cried all day for no reason. I went to bed crying, for no reason, and basically, that’s how it goes. Some days are ok, some are good and some are hell. Saturday was one of those hell ones.
Normally all of this would go away the first day of my period. Not this time. Day 3 and my moods were still off, I’m still exhausted and I’m still having issues concentrating and focusing on work.
I yelled at my son last night. I was very mean to him and I made him cry. Some of it he deserved but some he didn’t. He yelled at me to stop. He’s very sensitive and I forget myself, or rather I can’t control myself and I say things I shouldn’t. It’s gotten better but I still need work in that department. I left the dinner table without eating and went up to my room. I had to remove myself so I wouldn’t continue talking to him the way I was, because I knew I would. I later apologized and he very sweetly (he has a huge heart) said in.a very low voice, “it’s ok.” But I know the damage this is causing.
I’m hoping the things I’m doing to make this all better will start working soon. I’m looking to this program to help me get healthy, get moving, be more social and step out of my comfort zone in that department, learn better eating and exercise habits, get in good cardiovascular shape, and hopefully shed some pounds.
This is in no way just a weight loss program for me. When I miss days the guilt is real. But I also know that I have to accept that missing days will be a monthly occurrence that I can’t help. It’s hard for people who don’t go through this to understand. I may sound weak or lazy; a slacker if you will. I assure you that I’m not. But I need you to understand that this is a debilitating disorder that disrupts daily life. I’m not going to let it beat me. But I’m also not going to beat myself up for missing a few days. I can’t do that to myself.
I’m proud of how much I’ve done so far in the group and I’m even proud of the things I haven’t done yet. Because I fight very hard to find the energy to make this happen and I know that slowly but surely, I will make it happen.
Have you ever had to write a letter like this? One in which you have to explain your “lack of effort” due to a health condition or an event that may have taken place in your life? If so, please leave a comment. I would love to read all about it.
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